Some German words are so long that they have a perspective. Observe these examples:

• Freundschaftsbezeigungen.
• Dilettantenaufdringlichkeiten.
• Stadtverordnetenversammlungen.

These things are not words, they are alphabetical processions. And they are not rare; one can open a German newspaper at any time and see them marching majestically across the page — and if he has any imagination he can see the banners and hear the music, too. They impart a martial thrill to the meekest subject. I take a great interest in these curiosities. Whenever I come across a good one, I stuff it and put it in my museum. In this way I have made quite a valuable collection. When I get duplicates, I exchange with other collectors, and thus increase the variety of my stock. Here are some specimens which I lately bought at an auction sale of the effects of a bankrupt bric-a-brac hunter:

• Generalstaatsverordnetenversammlungen.
• Alterthumswissenschaften.
• Kinderbewahrungsanstalten.
• Unabhaengigkeitserklaerungen.
• Wiedererstellungbestrebungen.
• Waffenstillstandsunterhandlungen.

Of course when one of these grand mountain ranges goes stretching across the printed page, it adorns and ennobles that literary landscape — but at the same time it is a great distress to the new student, for it blocks up his way; he cannot crawl under it, or climb over it, or tunnel through it. So he resorts to the dictionary for help, but there is no help there. The dictionary must draw the line somewhere — so it leaves this sort of words out. And it is right, because these long things are hardly legitimate words, but are rather combinations of words, and the inventor of them ought to have been killed. They are compound words with the hyphens left out. The various words used in building them are in the dictionary, but in a very scattered condition; so you can hunt the materials out, one by one, and get at the meaning at last, but it is a tedious and harassing business.

‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa’. ‘Pencil’, however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz’.

A student asked, “What gender is ‘computer’?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun… Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender ‘la computadora’, because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it…

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ‘el computador’, because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data, but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

Both groups were right: some countries in South America say ‘el computador’ some others say ‘la computadora’. Spain on the other hand uses a totally different noun for computer ‘el ordenador’.

We would like to thank each of you once more for your support in making our small conversation language groups such a great tool to help our community improve their communication skills and meet new people from anywhere in the world. We will have an open house on Saturday next week (February 13th) from 10:00 a.m. to 10:45 a.m. so that you can participate in one free trial group lesson in your most requested language. Please confirm your attendance and what language you would prefer at your earliest convenience since seats are limited.

I look forward to your confirmation.

Best regards,

Jordi

Jordi Lluch
Director of Philolingua
www.philolingua.com
Phone: (619) 717-8488

You can purchase 6 hours of language group class instruction for only $45! You can buy two to receive 12 hours of instruction. Many languages available!

This offer is only good tomorrow! Lowest price ever! Don’t miss it!

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic com UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver; we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.\r\n\r\nAnd this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, you must look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4^th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn’t rain for a while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so …. it is time to shut UP!

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One mouse, 2 mice. So one house, 2 hice? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS: Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

To be continued…

Your Philolingua Team